Tag Archives: Wife

Repairs

A wife was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner while here husband was in the lounge room drinking a beer and watching the game. Sure enough, it didn’t take long before she started to nag him about things that needed fixing. “Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” She said.

He yelled back, “Who do I look like, the repair man? I Don’t think so!”

A little while later she said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, a electrician? I don’t think so!” Came his reply.

A few minutes later She said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

And, once again, he quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so!” Frustrated, he got up from the couch and left to go to the bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel a bit guilty for the way he’d  treated his wife and he went back home. However, when he arrived at the porch, he realised that the front step had already been repaired.

Without giving it too much thought, he walked into the house and found that the hall light had been fixed. Then, he walked into the kitchen to get himself a cold beer and found that the fridge was fixed.

A little perplexed, he approached his wife, “Hey babe, how did you fix all this?”

She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. Then this fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment and he said that I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

The husband said, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

And the wife looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

Wife Look-a-like

A drunkard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her lustfully. Sure enough, she quickly jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her!”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“That’s funny.” He muttered, “You even sound exactly like her!”

Wife Kidnapped

A couple were recently married, when the husband arrived at his house he found that his new bride was nowhere to be found. Understandably, he got deeply worried and contacted all his friends and asked where she might be without success. However, two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.
He asked her what she has been up to and why she hadn’t been home for so long. She replied: “These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for an entire week!”
The husband answered: “But it’s only been two days, so how could it have been a week?”
“Oh, I just came home to get something to eat!”

The Hitman

Two old golfing partners were just about to tee off at the first hole on the local golf course when a guy carrying a nice-looking golf bag called out to them, “Do you guys mind if I join you? My regular partner didn’t show up and I’d like a game.”

“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome to join us.”

So the three of them start playing and seem to be enjoying the game in the company of the newcomer. Part way ‘round the course, one of the friends asked the new guy, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a hitman,” he replies. “You’re kidding!” responds the friend.

“No, I’m not,” he said, and reaching into his golf bag, he pulls out a beautiful black sniper rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That really is a beautiful telescopic sight,” says the other friend, “Mind if I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So the man picks up the rifle and looks through the sight in the direction of his house. “Yeah, I can see my house all right. I can even see right into the window…”

“Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Haha, she’s naked.
Wait a minute… that’s my neighbour in there with her. And he’s naked too!”

The man turns to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I’ll do a flat rate for you – one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.”

“Then shoot the neighbour. He’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”