Problem on the Farm

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences. After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road.” The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped. “Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!”

Construction Site Communication

A carpenter on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw to cut some timber. Looking past the scaffolding at edge of the building, he spots one of the laborers on the first floor and yells to get the man’s attention, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the carpenter decides to try to use signs to convey his message. First, he points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”.

The man on the first floor nods, then soon drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor panics and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you? I was saying that I need a handsaw!”

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I know that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming!”

James Bond’s Watch

British secret agent, James Bond, walks into the casino lounge and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman at the bar. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his gold watch. Naturally, the woman notices this and asks “Is your date running late?”

“No,” answers 007. “I was just given this state-of-the-art watch by ‘Q’ and I’m field testing it.”

“Oh,” exclaims the woman. “What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to communicate with me telapathically,” explains the tall dark secret agent.

“Well then,” begins the woman. “What is it telling you now?”

Bond looks her in the eye and says, “It says that you aren’t wearing any panties.”

The woman laughs and replies, “Well, it’s not working, that special watch… because I am wearing panties!”

Bond smirks, taps the face of the watch with his index finger “Bloody thing’s running an hour fast!”

At the Pearly Gates

Two straight guys and a gay guy were good mates and decided to all take their partners on a holiday together on a tropical island. Unfortunately, while they were there, a tsunami flooded the island and they all drowned. No sooner had that happened, then they found themselves standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Peter looked over each of them and first addressed one of the straight guys as he shook his head sadly. “I’m afraid I can’t let you in because you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then he turned to the second guy. “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

At that point, the gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

Repairs

A wife was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner while here husband was in the lounge room drinking a beer and watching the game. Sure enough, it didn’t take long before she started to nag him about things that needed fixing. “Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” She said.

He yelled back, “Who do I look like, the repair man? I Don’t think so!”

A little while later she said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, a electrician? I don’t think so!” Came his reply.

A few minutes later She said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

And, once again, he quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so!” Frustrated, he got up from the couch and left to go to the bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel a bit guilty for the way he’d  treated his wife and he went back home. However, when he arrived at the porch, he realised that the front step had already been repaired.

Without giving it too much thought, he walked into the house and found that the hall light had been fixed. Then, he walked into the kitchen to get himself a cold beer and found that the fridge was fixed.

A little perplexed, he approached his wife, “Hey babe, how did you fix all this?”

She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. Then this fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment and he said that I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

The husband said, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

And the wife looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

Moving to Las Vegas

A man comes home from work one day to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.

“To Las Vegas!” She replies. “I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob, when I do it here for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”