Sensitivity

Picture  a room full of pregnant  women with their husbands.

A nurse says, “Ladies,  remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.   It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”

Statues Brought to Life

For many decades, two heroic statues of a male and a female faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven with an announcement for them.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues for the community that I’m going to give you a special gift and bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time can do anything you want.” Then, with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly at first, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon after, the angel could hear a good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of branches. Then, fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel as he winked at each of them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Let’s do it again. Only this time, you hold down the pigeon down and I’ll shit on it’s head!”

Johnny’s Story

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

25th Anniversary

A man and his wife decide to book a hotel room for the night of their 25th wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” T

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job!”

Magic Trick

There was a magician who worked aboard a large cruise ship. Since cruise ship was constantly moving and the audience was different each week, he quickly got into a routine where he performed all the same tricks over and over again.

However, there was one problem. The captain owned a parrot that saw the shows each week and soon began to understand the intricacies of how the magician performed each trick. Once it understood, it started shouting out the secrets during the middle of the show. Things like “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table,” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician naturally found this very frustrating but he wasn’t able to do anything about it. He’d already complained to the captain, who refused to keep his parrot away from the shows.

Then, one day, there was a terrible storm and the cruise ship sank. Suddenly, the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the very same parrot.

Day after day, they stared at each other with hatred, but neither would utter a single word. This went on for three days until, finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back.

“OK, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”

Black and White

Once day, a black kid goes to school and realises that they way the teachers treat him is different to the white kids. So, he goes home, he paints himself white and shows his dad.

His dad is naturally very angry and beats the shit outta him. So, he shows his mother, who also beats him. Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, “Grandma, Look! I’m white!” who beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.

Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, “Son, did you learn anything out of this?” And the boy replies, “Yeah! I’ve only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggers!”

No Excuse for an Affair

A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”